Frustrated/Rant

Today was good. However, emotionally it was not. I don't know if it's because my hormones are off kilter because I'm pregnant or if it's just "one of those days." I, for the first time in a long time, am sad and jealous of stay at home moms. I work four ten hour days a week. It could be worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for my job especially in today's economy. God brought me this job and I was totally blessed by it. That's a story for another post I guess. Working for the government has a lot of perks and great benefits. My husband works full time and together, we are fortunate to bring home a lot more then our bills. But... there's always a but... we can't ever seem to get ahead because something always comes up. And now we're expecting our second child in November. I know at this point me staying home full time is not an option. Part time is but then again I risk the chance of losing a great job and significant income. I'm torn. I wish somehow I could keep the job I have and just work 2 or 3 days a week but that's not an option. We were blessed to not have to pay for daycare but I guess that will become a reality next year. My MIL can't watch a 3 year old and a baby it's just too much for her. It breaks my heart because I dont want my son to go to daycare or to a babysitter. I'm angry that this country's government does not give mom's at least the option of an acceptable length of time for maternity leave. It's absolutely ridiculous and barbaric. 3 months is a laugh. In Canada, you get a year. They're even thinking about extending it to 18 months. You would think that this country would at least have 6 months. It almost destroyed me when I had to go back to work after I had Josh. Babies get attached to their mommies and then they're gone. Anyway... rant over. I just wish I could spend my days at home with my amazing little man and soon to be little one.

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Crazy Love

This will be a short summary of what is going on... The last few weeks I have been restless and just tolerant of my life. I have no idea why. But this weekend I figured out why. God misses me. I miss Him. He is calling me to sink deeper into who He is and what His love really means. I picked up the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and felt like God was speaking directly to me. I have been lukewarm for months and he desires so much more from me and I from him. He has placed it on my heart for us to start finding another church that fits these principles in his book. A chruch that is alive and not religious. A church who pursues crazy love. Ever since my hubby resigned from our last church as the associate pastor, we have been on sabatical and enjoying the freedom of not being bogged down to a schedule. I think my desire and need for teaching and being fed is coming back. I feel radical change coming on and I am SO excited about it. My mind frame is changing and evolving to become more like Him. I feel like things will be changing drastically soon. My two year old, who has been prayed over even before he was born - specifically for wisdom beyond his years and to be a dedicated follower of Jesus, seems to be interested only in Jesus stories. Those are the only ones He pulls out and he loves to hear about Him. I am amazed at how God works. I'm tired or being lukewarm and hanging out in Borderland. It's not fun or challenging. It's just comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable anymore. God is calling me to leave and I'm ready to go!!!

Our Mind's Frame

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get caught up in negative, complaining, and irritable attitudes (which normally plague us all from time to time)? I think that's somewhat normal. But have you noticed that there are some people, no matter what happens, who seem to NEVER get out of them? Granted, these usually stem from circumstance and I also think to a degree, it is somewhat of a learned behaviour, but isn't it really a choice? I've noticed that this happens to me when I'm tired or stressed out. Yes, those seem like obvious triggers but last Friday was probably the most stressed out I've been in a long time. Every problem and complaint I was handling at work took three times longer than it should've. I was interrupted constantly and losing my train of thought. I felt like I accomplished nothing all day and I was there for 10 hours. After work, I came home to a sick and cranky two year old, who was getting over a virus and was rightfully annoyed by fever blisters inside his mouth. I had nothing left. I was spent. I was so stressed out I actually felt like my body was spaghetti. I started freaking out over dishes on the counter, the pile of laundry that seems to taunt me every single weekend, and the thought of not sleeping through the night for the second week in a row. My husband was on his laptop carrying on with life and this also annoyed me because nothing ever seems to bother him. He is honestly the most laid back person I have ever met in my life, which I normally think is a good quality but Friday, it was not good at all! Then I realized that I was acting like this more and more and more often. I was using stress and exhaustion as a constant excuse and I acutally started to feel more drained and annoyed at myself for being like this and I felt like I was getting sucked in to the dolldrums permanently.  Anyway, getting back on track, God told me point blank that being quick to anger is foolish. Being constantly annoyed and irrirated is not from God. My frame of mind was not centered on Him at all anymore. I decided to choose Him over attitude and even though it's a daily battle within my mind, I'm slowly coming out of it. Why? Because I'm so thankful for EVERYTHING. I am physically and mentally able to work and I actually like it. I have an amazing family who I get to come home to. I have a home. I have my health... this is the most amazing gift ever and it is taken for granted every single day by people who don't know what it's like to suffer. Myself included. We can do ANYTHING and find excuses not to. We can breathe and run and laugh and travel and relax comfortably. This is a gift and it is amazing. I have decided that my attitude needs to reflect this view. I will live life to the fullest and be so thankful for it. Because I can.

a benefit concert for cystic fibrosis - in honour of Eva

a benefit concert for cystic fibrosis - in honour of Eva

Eva's Dream

Eva's Dream

God is such a planner!

So lately I've been relishing in the fact that God, in His infinite glory, has a definite plan for all of us. Sometimes it seems like we get carried away by the mudane everyday life and get lost and forget how important we are to Him. I'm excited to see His plan develop in my life. When I was 21, He told me I was to feed his sheep. I wasn't sure if that was figuratively speaking or not. Along the way through my two years with Child Protective Services after I graduated from university, I figured that it was more of symbolic. Now, I know He meant physically feed His people. Since I now work in government programs, one of the programs I manage for my caseload is food stamps. I've felt just recently that God has bigger plans and this is giving me a stepping stone of knowledge and more is to come. I have trouble sitting in my comfy house knowing that half of the world is starving. It breaks my heart and not just when I see World Vision commercials on tv. Let's face it... most people change the channel when stuff like that comes on because it's uncomfortable to watch. Tuning out is much easier. But is that what Jesus would do? Pretend it doesn't exist? It's just easy to tune out. I'm waiting on God to reveal what it is He want's me to do. I'm ready to get out of my comfot zone and leave Borderland. I always return there somehow. I need to get back into the Holy Wild.